It can be hard to be kind to ourselves, especially in times where we fail. It’s not that we are intentionally punishing ourselves, but it can be difficult to see how hard we are on ourselves in the moment. We have heard the topics of self-love, self-compassion, and so on, but it can still be difficult to take these to heart. It takes practice to make that change in behavior to be consistently kinder to ourselves.
The base for how we treat and view ourselves stems from how we grew up. How our failures and mistakes were viewed by the family and community around us definitely shapes how we respond to our mistakes, but there is more to it. Children are highly perceptive and can pick up how others view their own mistakes and failures. If you grew up in a home with a lot of negative, self-critical talk, that type of thinking and response becomes “normal” behavior. One that ultimately, we need to unlearn.
When we criticize ourselves, research shows that what is actually happening is our flight or fight response being triggered. When we fail or experience a difficult/high-stress task, we can essentially feel threatened by our own self and thus end up criticizing and being harder on ourselves. This can also explain why we don’t have the same reaction when a friend or loved one fails with the same task, because we don’t have that internal threat or fear.
