Stop Comparing Your Current Relationship to Past Ones

Stephanie Lyn Life Coaching
3 min readMay 4, 2022

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So you’re in a new relationship and things are going well. But for some reason, your mind jumps to comparing your current partner with an ex partner. Comparing people here and there is common and sometimes something we do without even realizing. It becomes a problem when it happens over and over and starts to take over our thoughts and makes us question our true feelings for our partner.

So, how do you know if you are comparing your current partner with an ex partner? You probably don’t even realize it’s happening at first, other than subtle hints here or there.

  • You are having exaggerated responses to small situations. The response doesn’t match the situation at all. This could mean that you are triggered and remembering something from a past relationship. Maybe you’re brought back to a past situation that was somewhat similar to what’s currently happening, and you are remembering the feeling attached to that situation and assuming it will be the same outcome.
  • You have a list in your head of what you feel your partner should be/do and it’s filled with unrealistic expectations. You may be holding your partner to a higher standard based on your past with an ex.
  • You often assume that your partner will respond or react a specific way before giving him/her a chance to show you. Example: If your ex used to ignore your requests for emotional support, you may just automatically assume your current partner will respond the same way so you don’t even bother. And you may not even realize that you are consciously doing this.
  • You feel disconnected from your partner. If you were abandoned in the past and that wound was never healed, you may subconsciously be training yourself to stay in panic mode thinking it will happen again.
  • You keep wishing you would run into your ex; not because you miss him/her, but more so to prove to yourself (and maybe your ex) that you are now better off with your new partner.
  • You nitpick everything your partner does and says, and think that possibly your ex understood you better than your current partner.

Comparing one person to another is never a good thing. It’s not fair to anyone, including the person doing the comparing. Everyone is…

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